Why You Struggle to Ask for What You Need in Relationships
If your needs feel like a burden..
You know how to show up for others. You’re thoughtful. You anticipate. You give freely.
But when it’s your turn to speak up—to say “I need,” “I feel,” or “that doesn’t work for me”—you freeze. Or downplay. Or don’t say anything at all.
Then comes the resentment. The loneliness. The quiet wondering: “Why is this so hard for me?”
Here’s why: Because somewhere along the way, you learned that having needs wasn’t safe.
It’s Not That You Don’t Know What You Need. It’s That You Don’t Feel Allowed to Ask
This isn’t just a communication skills issue. It’s an attachment and nervous system issue.
If you were raised in environments where:
Your needs were ignored, minimized, or punished
You had to earn love by being “easy” or “good”
Expressing emotions led to conflict or withdrawal
You felt like “too much” for asking for support
…then your body learned that having needs = risk.
Now, as an adult, even in healthy relationships, your nervous system still might brace for rejection, judgment, or abandonment every time you try to advocate for yourself.
Signs You’ve Been Conditioned to Suppress Your Needs
You hint at what you want instead of saying it clearly
You feel guilty or dramatic when you express discomfort
You wait until you’re emotionally flooded before speaking up
You assume others “should just know”
You often choose peace externally while sacrificing it internally
These patterns aren’t irrational—they’re protective.
What Happens When Your Needs Go Unspoken
Your relationships may feel one-sided. You might:
Attract emotionally unavailable partners
Over-give to avoid seeming needy
Feel disconnected or resentful
Abandon your own truth to maintain a connection
It’s not that you don’t have needs—it’s that your trauma taught you they weren’t welcome.
How EMDR and Brainspotting Can Help You Reclaim Your Voice
In trauma therapy, we go beyond just “learning to speak up.” We work with the emotional experiences that made speaking up feel dangerous in the first place.
With EMDR and Brainspotting, we:
Reprocess the earliest moments of emotional dismissal or invalidation
Target beliefs like “I’m a burden” or “If I ask, I’ll be left”
Help your nervous system feel safe expressing needs, even in conflict
Rebuild a sense of internal safety and relational trust
It’s not about becoming demanding—it’s about becoming honest.
What Healing Can Look Like
Saying “I need” without apologizing
Asking for clarity or reassurance without shame
Advocating for your limits with grace and self-trust
Receiving without shrinking
Believing that your needs matter
Your Needs Aren’t Too Much
You’re allowed to take up space in your relationships—not just as a giver, but as someone worthy of receiving.
I help women of color unpack the beliefs and trauma responses that silence their voice—and support them in reclaiming their right to be held, seen, and supported.
Let’s start that healing together
Learn more about how EMDR and Brainspotting support relational healing
Your needs aren’t a burden. They’re a bridge—to deeper intimacy, connection, and truth.
